Set Your Standards: Non-Negotiables in Dating After Divorce

Look, I’m all for compromise. Compromise on where to get dinner. Compromise on what show to binge. Maybe even (maybe) compromise on whether the thermostat is set to 70 or 72.

But when it comes to dating after divorce? You need non-negotiables.

And no, I’m not talking about a list of superficial demands. I’m talking about fundamental values. The core stuff. The beliefs, priorities, and life choices that, if not aligned, WILL come back to bite you in the ass later.

You’ve already done the "shrinking yourself" thing. You’ve already tiptoed around misalignment. You’ve already ignored red flags because, well, he made you laugh and the sex was decent.

Let’s not do that again.

What Are Non-Negotiables (and Why Do They Matter Now More Than Ever)?

Non-negotiables are the things that define how you live and love. They’re not opinions. They’re truths.

They’re your anchors. Your boundaries. Your guideposts for who actually fits into your life now that you’re no longer bending to make other people comfortable.

Post-divorce, you’re not dating to build a life from scratch. You’re building on something solid: you. And that means not compromising on the things that make or break your peace.

Examples of Non-Negotiables (aka: Dealbreakers That Aren’t Up for Debate)

Here are a few that might hit:

• Religious views. Not just what they believe, but how those beliefs shape their daily life.

• Political alignment. Listen, love is not bipartisan if your values are in constant conflict.

• Parenting styles. If you plan to be involved in parenting each other's children or having a home where all of your children live, you need to be aligned here. One of you cannot believe in free-range parenting while the other is a drill sergeant.

• Desire (or not) for more kids. If you’re done, you’re done. Don’t let baby fever or dimples derail you.

• Lifestyle and finances. You don’t have to have the same bank account, but if one of you lives paycheck to paycheck and the other lives on Excel spreadsheets… just know what you’re walking into.

• Location. If you’re not moving again and he lives 3 states away, it’s a no.

• Sexual compatibility. Yes, it matters. No, you're not picky for having needs. If he can't kiss you right (deep sea fishing in your throat with his tongue is not kissing), there's no need to wonder how bad the rest will be....

But What If You Think You Could Wiggle a Little?

Here’s the truth: We all want to be open. We all want to be chill. And yes, there might come a moment where you meet someone amazing and start questioning a non-negotiable.

Maybe you said "no more kids" and suddenly you're staring at his dad-of-the-year energy thinking maybe one more wouldn't be so bad?

Maybe you said religion was a must and now you're like well he only hates organized religion, not ALL of it...

Pause.

That might be the old you talking. The one who bent to fit. The one who’d rather adapt than disappoint.

Don’t betray your peace just to keep someone interested.

You can be kind, open-hearted, and still say no.

How to Set (and Keep) Your Non-Negotiables

1. Make the list when you're calm, not lonely. Write it from a grounded place. Not during a dating dry spell.

2. Say them out loud. If it feels awkward or overly dramatic, good. Get used to your boundaries making noise.

3. Check in with your body. If someone pushes on one of your dealbreakers and your gut tenses? Trust that.

4. Don’t over-explain. "That doesn’t work for me" is a full sentence.

You’re not being rigid. You’re being rooted.

Your non-negotiables are not there to scare people away. They’re there to help the right ones find you.

With love, Lindsay!